The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.

There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.