My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A.
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol.
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at two. Six A.M., I'm a little grumpy. Six A.M., I'm a little P.O.ed. Six A.M., I'm like a vampire with a paper route.
My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.
Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.