Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.

Lady Gaga is proof that David Bowie raped Carol Burnett.

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose, lose, lose and lose. All right, I'm talking about me.

In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on the fence to die. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay. They killed him, because Matthew Shepard was gay? They killed him.

If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.