I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours.

Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?

Born free. Taxed to death.

Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.

So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!

Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'.