I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."

Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.

They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you.