In good old Colonial Dunsboro, masochism is a valuable job skill. It is in most jobs.

Every woman is just a different kind of problem.

We're all trapped. It's always 1734. All of us, we're stuck in the same time capsule, the same as those television shows where the same people are marooned on the same desert island for thirty seasons and never age or escape. They just wear more makeup. In a creepy way, those shows are maybe too authentic.

As the stupidest person in the room, I always had the most to gain.

The problem with every story is you tell it after the fact.

She's so thin she's either dying or rich.

What you have to understand, is your father was your model for God. If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God. And if you never know your father, if your father bails out or dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God? What you end up doing is you spend your life searching for a father and God. What you have to consider is the possibility that God doesn't like you. Could be, God hates us. This is not the worst thing that can happen.