Do you remember when you were 10 or 11 years old and you really thought your folks were the best? They were completely omniscient and you took their word for everything. And then you got older and you went through this hideous age when suddenly they were the devil, they were bullies, and they didn't know anything.

A male chauvinist pig isn't born, he's made, and more and more of them are being made by women.

In the end, it's never what you worry about that gets you.

When you go out with a drunk, you’ll notice how a drunk fills your glass so he can empty his own. As long as you’re drinking, drinking is okay. Two’s company. Drinking is fun. If there’s a bottle, even if your glass isn’t empty, a drunk, he’ll pour a little in your glass before he fills his own. This only looks like generosity.

Everyone's in their own personal coma.

You ever wonder when God's coming back with a lot of barbecue sauce?

Writing is like sex, if it's difficult you're not doing it right.