In my day the schools taught two things, love of country and penmanship-now they don't teach either.

The customer is always right! John Wanamaker must be turning in his grave. If you're a customer today, you're an intruder.

Have you ever heard one civilized person whose opinion you respect, at any time, anywhere, in any civilized country anywhere, say the good new days?

People ask me what makes a good funeral, and I tell them the most important thing is your man in the casket. If you have a man of substance in there, you have the makings of a first-class funeral.

Opera is like a husband with a foreign title: expensive to support, hard to understand, and therefore a supreme social challenge.

I consider the 3 most cruelly produced foods to be from lobsters, dropped alive into boiling water, veal from calves separated from their mothers and kept in crates, and pate de foie gras.

It has long been a theory of mine and I am known, if I do say so, for my long theories that authors, generally speaking, are rotten letter writers.