In between the Queen and the First Lady, Nancy Reagan, sat Tony Richardson, looking very calm. Later on it emerged that this was because, having not been apprised of the placement until he was about to sit down, he had died of fright. To have expired was to be fortunate.

My niece is - her name is Sasha, is currently learning Russian at Melbourne University and I look forward to the day when I can talk to her about Pushkin.

Disco dancing is just the steady thump of a giant moron knocking in an endless nail.

Bjorn Borg looks like a hunchbacked, jut-bottomed version of Lizabeth Scott, impersonating a bearded Apache princess.

She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way that a midget is good at being short.

Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a brown condom full of walnuts.

All I can do is turn a phrase until it catches the light.