The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'

Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

In a new interview, Secretary of State Colin Powell repeated that the U.S. has no plans to attack Syria or Iran. After hearing this Donald Rumsfeld responded, 'Like he'd know.'

Donald Trump is going to make an announcement about running for President on the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice. Not to be outdone, the same night the Cake Boss will reveal his plan for overhauling Medicare.

This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France. Twelve people were killed because a satirical newspaper made jokes that some group found offensive. All of us are accustomed to bad news from around the world. But this story hits home for anybody who mocks anyone.

An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'

Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.