'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.

Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.'

It was reported today that U.S. military bases will not show 'Brokeback Mountain.' However, during interrogations, U.S. troops will continue to show 'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.'

Today, you have achieved something special, something only 92 percent of Americans your age will ever know: a college diploma. That’s right, with your college diploma you now have a crushing advantage over 8 percent of the workforce. I'm talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg.

During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.

Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has been awarded the highest rank in the country's military. The decision was praised by everyone from Parliamentary leader Kim Jong Un to opposition leader Kim Jong Un.