Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives for you.

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?

Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.

Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.

Yesterday, President Obama prank-called a Washington radio station, calling himself 'Barry from D.C.' Then, just to mess with him, Obama called Glenn Beck's radio show as 'B. Hussein from Kenya.'

Summer is a drag because even normal people become obsessed with their bodies. A bad bathing suit can humiliate you more tan anything else in life.

Pope Francis said that atheists are still eligible to go to heaven. To return the favor, atheists said Popes are still eligible to go into a void of nothingness.