Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives for you.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse.

Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'

In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'