Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.