Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.