I wanted to be a rock star.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.

I'm always a bit shy around evil people.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.