In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.