Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.

President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.

I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.

President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.'

While there's no 'I' in team, there's also no 'you', okay? So back off.

The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.

Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.