a car is just a moving, giant handbag! You never have actually to carry groceries, or dry cleaning, or anything! You can have five pairs of shoes with you at all times!

A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.

Friends are the twenty-first-century version of extended families.

One does not have to sleep with, or even touch, someone who has paid for your meal. All those obligations are hereby rendered null and void, and any man who doesn't think so needs a quick jab in the kidney.

Throughout their lives, women try to pummel their bodies into some phantom ideal shape that exists only with a lot of airbrushing. ... I don't blame men for this. Men seem to go for us no matter what size and shape we are. I blame capitalism. No, really. The consumer must constantly be in a state of anxious low self-esteem so that she will constantly buy lipsticks and girdles to make her feel cuter.

The only women who don't believe that sexual harassment is a real problem in this country are women who have never been in the workplace.

[On her dogs:] I have four now. My friends tell me if I get any more they'll have to hold an intervention.