Dogs and humans are symbiotic species. We need each other.

When women are excited about a date, they go immediately on a diet, because all women know they are hideously obese.

The media know exactly what they're doing, focusing our attention on Arsenio's hairdo. We need to keep our brains brimming with rubbish. If we didn't, we might think about things.

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people.

A sense of humor isn't everything. It's only 90 percent of everything.

[On peanut M&Ms:] It is the eggness of them. A shell, chocolate placenta, proteiny peanut baby. Life shape, birth shape, cell shape, protoplasmic-ooze shape. A shape that calls straight through civilization to our reptilian brains.

With dogs, you don't need gurus. Dogs are forever in the moment. They are always a tidal wave of feelings, and every feeling is some variant of love.