Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people.

A comedian is not funny unless he is taking his demons out for a walk.

Dogs are us, only innocent.

The buying of a self-help book is the most desperate of all human acts. It means you've lost your mind completely: You've entrusted your mental health to a self-aggrandizing twit with a psychology degree and a yen for a yacht.

Swingers are all from the suburbs and consequently brain-addled by car pools, shopping malls, and welcome wagons.

Sex is not some sort of pristine, reverent ritual. You want reverent and pristine, go to church.

Men, being conditioned badly, are always feeling nooses closing around their necks, even dumpy boors no girl would take on a bet.