Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

The Simpsons take up so little time that I'm able to do other things as well.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I've made a kind of pact with myself where I said, It doesn't matter what it is as long as I'm acting.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.