Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

If I were actually Homer Simpson, I'd be getting scripts out the wazoo.

After years of doing it, you learn the difference between your ego and your opinion. When you're married you have to cut through that.

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution!

It is better to watch things then to do them.

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.