Class clowns are never allowed to date anybody decent, but you don't get beaten up, you're invited to parties, and everybody likes you.

If somebody's cat happens to turn on the TV, my numbers can double. It's almost unrelated to what's really happening.

There's a fine line between a stream of consciousness and a babbling brook to nowhere.

Everything I do, in the middle of it, I lose all objectivity. The business of comedy is kind of ridiculous in that respect. Your job is to have a lot of fun in a jar, then sell it. There's something inherently illogical and impossible about that, but that being said, this is as good as it gets.

It's so difficult to write good music. It's also really difficult to think about how to do it without violating the sanctity of the fourth wall.

I'm from Wisconsin so I always feel a little nauseous about begging and trying to trick people into liking me.

I don't think it's going to be possible for the next generation of writers to tell stories without telling stories about telling stories.