Everything I do, in the middle of it, I lose all objectivity. The business of comedy is kind of ridiculous in that respect. Your job is to have a lot of fun in a jar, then sell it. There's something inherently illogical and impossible about that, but that being said, this is as good as it gets.

I'm from Wisconsin so I always feel a little nauseous about begging and trying to trick people into liking me.

My cat brought me a toy. I thanked her and threw it. She sat there gave me a look that made me realize people and dogs are the crazy ones.

When you are in the 8 o'clock position, you can either be a cultural phenomenon, or you're endangered. It's a tough time slot.

Television is a populous, derivative, democratic medium.

I feel like I am a good person and a professional, very able leader of men.

I've discovered a new video game called owning my home.