People aren't either wicked or noble. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.

They say love's like a bus, and if you wait long enough another one will come along, but not in this place where the buses are slow and most of the cute ones are gay.

There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.

Boredom is not black licorice, Snicket," she said. "There's no reason to share it with me.

The real Santa Claus is at the mall.

Sooner or later, everyone's story has an unfortunate event or two...The solution, of course, is to stay as far away from the world as possible and lead a safe, simple life.

The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught.