The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

When you say you don't think we should have public schools, they can't believe you mean that. You must mean that they should be smaller. But you can't really mean no public schools.

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

On behalf of the newspaper industry I wish to announce some changes we're making to serve you better. When I say 'serve you better,'' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days. We're a business, just like any other business, except that we employ English majors.