I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

With a novel, you have to have a story. It's much more important to have it matter to the reader what happens to people, and it has to make sense and end in a way that is satisfying. So I spend a lot more time thinking about that. Then the writing itself usually is easier for me, because I know where it's going.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.

Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.