One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

When your Super Bowl guests arrive, they should find a mound of potato chips large enough to conceal a pony sitting in front of the television. For nutritional balance, you should also put out a bowl of carrot sticks. If you have no carrot sticks, you can use pinecones, or used electrical fuses, because nobody will eat them anyway. This is no time for nutritional balance: This is the Super Bowl, for God's sake.

I can't recall a story that played out exactly as I'd expected it to. That's one of the thrills of journalism - being surprised, and learning new stuff, but it also poses the biggest challenge to a writer's character.

I say we scrap the current system and replace it with a system wherein you add your name to the bottom of a list, and then you send some money to the person at the top of the list, and then you... Oh, wait, that is our current system.