One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But when I thought about what this would mean sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.