I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.

To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.

Passing the SAT: My personal theory is that it has to do with how much money you send them in the mail. I think the amounts they tell you to send are actually just suggested minimum donations - if you get my drift.

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).