Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

France: As a professional journalist, I like the idea of a society where it is considered an acceptable occupation to basically sit around and drink.

I think I became funny because I grew up in the Bronx. I was small and weak and Jewish instead of large and fierce and Puerto Rican. You need something.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.

Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.