The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.

The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.

This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of four peanuts.

I think I've learned over the years, because you'd have to be stupid not to, that when a book publisher gives you a deadline they're just kidding for the most part. I don't know what they do with it, it's like you send them your book and they just hold it in their hands for like six months and I don't know why, and you realize you probably had more time.

Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.

If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can't seem to locate the deodorant, huh?

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.