The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.

When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.

There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see articles with headlines like: URUGUAY: DON'T BOTHER.