During bomb drills, we students were told to crouch under our desks. Apparently the desks used in classrooms in the fifties were made of an exceptionally missile-resistant variety of wood. During the Cold War years I often wondered why it never occurred to our defense planners to protect the entire nation from nuclear attack by simply covering it, from sea to shining sea, with a huge Strategic Classroom Desk.

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

There are no bad haircuts in cyberspace.

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.