The Russians will never be able to get their missiles thought the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns.

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores.

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

John Dorschner, one of our staff writers here at Tropic magazine at The Miami Herald, who is a good friend of mine and an excellent journalist, but a raving liberal, wrote a story about a group that periodically pops up saying that they're going to start their own country or start their own planet or go back to their original planet, or whatever. They were going to "create a libertarian society" on a floating platform in the Caribbean somewhere. I know there's never going to be a country on a floating anything, but if they want to talk about it, that's great.