I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.

Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.

People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, "Just joking."

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?