Smee! Raise the Ladies!

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.