Smee! Raise the Ladies!

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.

Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.

Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.