I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

I tell people view the federal government as a source of entertainment. It's a lot easier.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.