I never start a section of the story without knowing how it will end. I also consciously try to shape the story as though it were a movie.

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.

Directors are always changing things at the last minute. Actors will do a scene, and the director will say, ‘Okay, that was perfect, but this time, Bob, instead of saying “What’s for dinner?” you say, “Wait a minute! Benzene is actually a hydrocarbon!” And say it with a Norwegian accent. Also, we think maybe your character should have no arms.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.

Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

The story you envision as you start out is always a great story; when the facts turn out to be different from, or more complex than, what you expected, your first reaction is always disappointment. That's when you must fight the urge to bend the story to your preconceived notions. First, it's dishonest. And second, in the end, the truth is always the best story.