AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

Don't get me wrong. I like Disney World. The rest rooms are clean enough for neurosurgery, and the employees say things like "Howdy, folks!" and actually seem to mean it. You wonder: Where do they get these people? My guess: 1952. I think old Walt realized, way back then, that there would eventually be a shortage of cheerful people, so he put all the residents of south western Nebraska into a giant freezer with a huge picture of Jiminy Cricket on the outside, and the corporation has been thawing them out as needed ever since.

People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.