Canada, as you know, is a major important nation boasting a sophisticated, cosmopolitan culture that was tragically destroyed last week by beavers.

Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money.

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.

I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano. I went with my wife and another guy to a Mexican restaurant, which we thought would be the ultimate test for an antiflatulance product. There's a reason most of Mexico is located out of doors. And it worked. Several newspapers refused to run that column. But they did run advertisements for Beano.

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.