A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been invited to. There are dozens of these parties, sponsored by large corporations with a sincere public-spirited desire to become larger.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.

If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.

I don't even care what Bill Bryson writes about because he will make it interesting. I love "A Walk in the Woods," about the Appalachian Trail, but his most amazing book is "A Short History of Nearly Everything."

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.