Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?

I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.