People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

The first animals to be successfully domesticated were dogs, which were a big help because they would bark all night and fetch thrown sticks, thereby freeing humans from having to perform these tedious yet vital tasks.

I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many different ways, and yet somehow we still try to live together and be friends. I find that endlessly valuable as a source of material for humor. Generally dogs are always funny in my opinion. And the federal government - just a relentlessly productive source of humor.

English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with our son.