Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club

You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving!" our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out the front door, weighed down by hundreds of pounds of concealed vandalism supplies, including enough raw eggs to feed Somalia for decades. By morning, thanks to our efforts, the entire neighborhood would be covered with a layer of congealed shaving cream and toilet paper that, around certain unpopular neighbors' homes, was hundreds of feet thick. This is how the Appalachian Mountains were formed.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.