I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.

There's a test they can do to determine a baby's gender ahead of time; I think they insert a tiny photo of Leonardo DiCaprio into the uterus, and if the baby punches it, it's a boy.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up with a terrific-ally witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at parties.