My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hotlines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly.

The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - 'to spew out paper.'

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.

I do some of my best reading while seated in the bathroom.