Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

[American tax laws] are constantly changing as our elected representatives seek new ways to ensure that whatever tax advice we receive is incorrect.

Never board a commercial aircraft if the pilot is wearing a tank top.

Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?

Most guys believe that they're supposed to know how to fix things. This is a responsibility that guys have historically taken upon themselves to compensate for the fact that they never clean the bathroom. A guy can walk into a bathroom containing a colony of commode fungus so advanced that it is registered to vote, but the guy would never dream of cleaning it, because he has to keep himself rested in case a Mechanical Emergency breaks out.