Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!

For Dad, the perfect Father's Day would be one in which he didn't even realize that it was Father's Day, because nobody was making him appreciate gifts he didn't want, or read greeting cards filled with lame Father's Day poetry.

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk.

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best not to let them have any sharp implements.