Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!

Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.

Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America.

I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano. I went with my wife and another guy to a Mexican restaurant, which we thought would be the ultimate test for an antiflatulance product. There's a reason most of Mexico is located out of doors. And it worked. Several newspapers refused to run that column. But they did run advertisements for Beano.

If Mozart had power tools, there's no telling how great his music might have been.