Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape away the silver powder from the window so you could look inside.

The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.

Never allow a child to spend all of his allowance. Insist that he set aside a certain amount of money every week and put it in a safe place, where you can get it if you need to buy beer.

Of all the wonderful things government says, that's always been just about my favorite. As opposed to if you get to keep the money. Because what you'll do is go out and bury it in your yard, anything to prevent that money from creating jobs. They never stop saying it.We will say, "This is expected to create x number of jobs." On the other hand, we never say that the money we removed from another part of the economy will kill some jobs.

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read.