Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.

When I'm writing columns, it's - all I'm thinking about is jokes, joke, joke, joke, setup, punch line, joke, joke, joke. And I really don't care where it goes.

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.... While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly, the most settings, uninhibited, intimate and, yes, shocking details about our "CONFIG.SYS."

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Miami, you can never run out of material. As long as you have Miami around you, you will never, never stop being amused.