I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds.

Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.

Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known.

Turbulence.” This is what pilots announce that you have encountered when your plane strikes an object in midair. You'll be flying along, and there will be an enormous, shuddering WHUMP, and clearly the plane has rammed into an airborne object at least the size of a water buffalo, and the pilot will say, “Folks, we're encountering a little turbulence.” Meanwhile they are up there in the cockpit trying desperately to clean water-buffalo organs off the windshield.