Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.