A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

Why else do we have Miami, if not to give me material?

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"