A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public, but I'd never say anything as stupid as that.'

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.