As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight.

I know that all over America there's probably politicians sending out pictures of themselves signing that mandatory helmet bill, but it's bullshit. I say that as a parent.

In more than 20 years of opening beers with guys, I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always, the teams that show up in beer drinking situations consist of guys who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats.

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from New York to California; whereas today, because of equipment problems at O'Hare, you can't get there at all.

The Mollusks—generous hosts when they weren’t trying to kill you.

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.